No it wasn’t the turkey that sent me to urgent care. I had been putting off going because of this other thing. The Hubby was like, “You need to go.” So after days of saying no I finally said ,”OKKKKKK fine.” Next thing you know I’m #162 sitting in the lobby with dozens of my fellow masked friends. Overheard one kid say that everyone here must be super heros. He is now my best friend.
Once my number was called to triage, the fun began.
At what point did it become necessary to discuss every drug you’ve ever taken in your life with the triage nurse? She was such a nice lady, but I was like, “Karen, I took that 5 years ago. Yes that too. Ok I take that when I need it. What the heck is that? Never even heard of that one. Wait maybe that’s…Can we just get to why I’m here?” Poor woman. Then she asked me to get on the scale. Bad move.
“I’m allergic to scales.”
“Is this really necessary?”
“I have a policy against getting on scales… it’s a religious thing.”
“FINE. Let me undress.”
Listen, I am fully aware of the fact that she is following protocol and that my foolishness is making her job harder. I’m really sorry for that. But I can’t get on scales without it sending me into a fit. So I was trying to save her from that. I may have gone overboard when I said, “Next time, I will just stay home and die rather than come in here to get on that scale.” Yes, I’m dramatic.
So then she took my blood pressure. Alerts went off. I think I failed that test.
Once that torture was finished, contestant #162 was led to treatment room 2. In minutes I was speaking to the doctor. Tests were ordered and I was on to the lab.
I don’t do well with needles either.
I was a good patient though. I tried harder to be funny, polite, complimentary. I had a 5 minute conversation about the nurse’s nail polish. I didn’t even faint when she drew 5 vials of blood. And I got a nice black bandage for my battle scar. It even matched my outfit. “I’ve got this,” I thought. On to ultrasound. It was there that I learned, I’ve completely lost my mind.
As the technician asked me for the upteenth time to take a deep breath in and hold it, I realized that I was in fact, making this into a competition.
“Self, you are one heck of a breath-taker-inner-and-holder. I bet no one takes in a breath as well as you do or holds it as long as you. The technician is probably quite impressed with your abilities. Watch, here it goes again. Look at you taking in that big breath. WOW. You’re really good at this. Champion skills you have. They may even give you a medal.”
I never said I was normal.
I did make myself admit that I am not a good “scale-getter-onner” or “blood-work-doer”, but by God I’m the best dang “breath-taker-inner-and-holder” the world has ever seen.
It had been a long day.
As I walked back to room #2 to wait for results, I smiled with my eyes (cause mask) at all the staff thinking they surely love me. I may be challenging, but I try to make up for it by being friendly and funny. As I waited for the next 2 hours, I could hear them saying things like…
“Who is in room #2?”
“Are we still waiting on April Thomas’s results?”
“April Thomas is still here?”
“Can someone check on April Thomas and her results? It’s been hours.”
Yep, I sat in room #2 all alone for hours. The thing is, I can find ways to entertain myself. So I proceeded to take photos of myself. And then open the door repeatedly to say things like…
“Can I have the number for room service?”
“How do I get a TV in here?”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m just helping myself to anything not nailed down.”
“Could I have a blanket and pillow? It looks like I’ll be spending the night.”
“Would you all like me to do something to help? I think I work here now.”
They may never let me come back. And I think they added a couple new policies and waivers to the protocol. Sorry y’all.
P.S. After a few hours, I did finally leave urgent care with good test results and instructions for next steps. I also learned that I can make anything into an adventure. Ok, OK… I already knew that.